Confessions of a Teenage Werewolf
by toocool4u
Summary: 15-year-old Remus Lupin struggles to hide his deadly secret from Slytherins and from his girlfriend. Rated R for violence and language (no sex). Please please please review!
1. Sorrows

Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish I did, I don't own any of the characters in this story except Carol and Remus' family (more to come later). J.K. Rowling owns all the characters in their entireties. A/N: My very first fanfic! I plan to write this rather quickly, but with school, don't expect the chapters really fast until mid-June. I've always liked Lupin, and the idea of writing from a werewolf's point of view intrigued me, so here it is: A/N: Please note, this is rated R for a reason!! If you have problems with strong violence (it gets worse towards the end) or are offended by bad language, this story is not for you!  
  
One  
Sorrows  
  
The transformation was complete.  
The wolf's mind had no trace of any emotion in its endeavors. It was driven by hunger, not by hatred, and it was this hunger that compelled it to throw itself, single-mindedly, at its two companions in the dark room. The human mind tried to temper it, but it only showed a tiny vestige of its former self in its efforts to calm the beast that was brewing inside the werewolf's head.  
Its companions were a black dog and a white stag, both considerably larger than the werewolf, but each driven not by the animal need for killing that the werewolf expressed, but only preservation of both themselves and the wolf. They settled into their resting positions opposite the room from the wolf, watching warily, until the werewolf attacked.  
Its teeth were bared, dripping the saliva that held countless nightmares for the others in the room. The werewolf leapt, first at the stag, then, after it missed the stag entirely, at the dog. The dog, commanded by human craftiness, dropped onto its belly. The leaping wolf passed over, but it slashed underneath the bulk of its mass with its claws. The claws, not nearly as dangerous as its teeth, connected and left glistening marks in the dog's fur. The cut sent a small spray of crimson over the space surrounding the animal.  
The wolf landed on all four paws and the other two beasts turned to regard it. The wolf snarled and batted with its paws, but it refrained from attacking, perhaps its claws stayed by the human lurking inside the creature.  
The two minds inside the creature were uniquely bonded, each communicating with the other in a way beyond understanding, the impulses from the wolf understood by the human, and vice versa. The human mind gave voice to the thoughts inside the werewolf's mind. Currently, it fought against the killer's instincts to keep the wolf's myriad weapons at bay. The wolf noticed the rat running across the floor, but abandoned it for the larger prey.  
I have to stay, he tried in vain to tell the wolf's body. These are my friends. I cannot hurt them. If I bite them, I condemn them to the horrors that have been my life for the past nine years.  
Meat, was all the wolf mind had to communicate to the muscles in the wolf's body to attack again.  
The werewolf launched at the white stag, slashing with its claws again, drawing a ruby streak through the white hairs on the stag. Perhaps by reflex, the stag kicked at the wolf, knocking it through the air. The werewolf tumbled into the corner and was silent.  
Just sit, the man inside the wolf thought desperately. Sit here, and don't get up until sunrise.  
Meat, the wolf insisted, not by any language, but its meaning clear just the same. Cold, it also tried to tell him.  
It is damn cold in here, the man thought and commanded the wolf's body to curl into a ball for warmth.  
The dog and the stag kept a silent watch over the curled wolf over the next few hours. It seemed to fall asleep.  
At what they both estimated to be almost dawn, the werewolf sprang to its feet. Snarling, it edged towards them, the dread saliva dripping onto the floor and wetting the peeling floorboards. Don't hurt them! the man tried to tell the wolf, but it was too late. The wolf launched its body at the dog, nearly connecting with its teeth, and its claws dug into the skin. It slashed repeatedly at the dog until the stag kicked it to the floor. The wolf arose and edged maliciously toward the stag, until the dog bashed it from behind with its paw. The werewolf collapsed into a heap on the floor.  
Dawn soon broke, and the werewolf began to change. Soon it was not a wolf, but a 15-year-old boy laying on the floor.  
Remus J. Lupin sat up, rubbed his eyes, and prepared to resume his life as a human being. Not by any means a normal human being--a fifth year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, one near the top of his class.  
  
The standardized test in Defense Against the Dark Arts was later that day and Remus walked outside of Hogwarts with the stag, the dog, and the rat--except that they had now also resumed their human forms. They were his best friends--the stag, James Potter; the dog, Sirius Black; the rat, Peter Pettigrew. Each month, they helped him make his transformations into werewolf form underneath the full moon bearable. He owed them everything for that.  
"Did you like question ten, Remus?" Sirius asked as they walked onto the lawns.  
"Loved it," he answered. "'Give five signs that identify the werewolf.' Excellent question."  
"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" asked James.  
"Think I did," Remus answered, dead serious. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin..."  
They all laughed together as they found a spot beneath their usual tree and Remus pulled out a book. He lost himself in the stories of famous wizards although he was dimly aware of the others chatting around him and James playing with a little flying Quidditch ball that Remus decided that he must have nicked.  
"I'm bored," he heard Sirius say out loud. "Wish it was full moon."  
"You might," Remus said, aware that the full moons were more exciting and considerably less painful for the others than they were for him. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you can test me."  
"I don't need to look at that rubbish," said Sirius. "I know it all already."  
"This'll liven you up," said James. "Look who it is..."  
Sirius's head turned to regard the students around them. "Excellent," he said softly. "Snivellus."  
Snape, Remus thought. Severus Snape was a year younger than them, definitely one of the stranger students at Hogwarts, with a rather big nose, as well, and was the target of countless assaults on James' part. Remus wondered why James did some of the things he did to Snape, and certainly didn't approve, but he decided he wasn't going to get involved, lest he put their friendship into a perilous position. What would the full moon be like without James and Sirius?  
"All right there, Snivellus?" he heard James say loudly.  
Snape immediately dropped his bag and reached for his magic wand, but by the time it was halfway in the air, James had shouted "Expelliarmus!" and Snape's wand was blown several feet across the grass. He dove for the fallen wand, but James shouted "Impedimenta!" and Snape fell face first onto the lawn.  
A small crowd had amassed around the little scene which played out. Remus wished that they would all go away, but he knew beyond doubt that this scene would end the way it always did...  
"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James asked.  
"I was watching him," Sirius cut in. "His nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."  
The crowd laughed and Snape stared up at James with a look of unbridled hatred."You wait...you wait..."  
Sirius taunted him: "Wait for what? What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"  
"You lousy shit," said Snape. "You lousy, dirty, goddamn shit!!"  
"Wash out your mouth," James said with a sneer. "Scourgify!" The spell caused pink soap bubbles to stream from Snape's mouth, gagging and choking him.  
Remus looked up and a group of girls were marching toward this humiliating scene. His heart sank: not only was James' secret crush, Lily, but Remus' girlfriend, Carol, were part of the group. He wished he could melt into the environment.  
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" screamed Lily upon her emergence onto the scene.  
"All right there, Evans?" said James, much more pleasantly than he had been speaking to Snape.  
"Leave him alone. What's he done to you?" She was staring at him with intense dislike in her eyes.  
"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean..."  
The surrounding crowd laughed, but Remus studied his book all the more intensely. He prayed to God that Lily and Carol didn't notice him...  
"You think you're funny," said Lily in the most disgusted tone she could muster. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."  
"I will if you go out with me, Evans. Go on, go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."  
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily quickly, eliciting laughs from the crowd. Remus chuckled, but he tried to hide that from James.  
"Bad luck, James," Sirius said, focusing his attention on Snape. "OY!"  
Snape had crawled back to his wand and aimed it at James; the next second there was a flash and a loud bang and a gash formed on James' face, leaking blood onto his robes. Another instant and James had whirled about and directed his wand to lift Snape up by the legs, his robes falling down and revealing thin, pale legs and a gray pair of briefs.  
"Let him down!" Lily roared.  
"Certainly," said James. The next instant, Snape fell in a crumpled heap to the ground. He scrambled for his wand, but James shouted, "Locomotor Mortis!" and Snape's means of movement instantly failed him.  
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted, drawing her own wand.  
"Ah, Evans," James said in a devil-may-care tone, "don't make me hex you."  
"Take the curse off him, then."  
Sighing loudly, James muttered the countercurse.  
"There you go," he said to Snape, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."  
"I don't need help from filthy Mudbloods like her!"  
Lily blinked in surprise, and Remus turned his head to regard Snape, shocked by his reaction. Perhaps he was embarrassed that it had been Lily that saved him from James. "Fine," she said. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus."  
The crowd roared with laughter. "Apologize to Evans!" James shouted at Snape, wand brought to bear on him once again.  
"I don't want you to make him apologize," said Lily. "You're as bad as he is."  
"What?!" said James, clearly wounded. "I would NEVER call you a...you- know-what!"  
"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got off your broomstick, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can--I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me sick." On that note, she hurried away.  
"Evans!" James shouted. "Hey, Evans!"  
With that, Remus left that crowd behind, back to Gryffindor Tower, hoping for James' sake that he would stop his relentless taunting of Snape.  
  
Remus made his next journey out of the castle proper alone.  
He had made his way to the third-floor corridor, which thankfully was empty, and walked to the end, where a stone statue of a one-eyed witch with a hump waited. Remus tapped it with his wand and murmured, "Dissendium," and it moved aside, leaving him room to enter a stone passage. He slid a fairly long way down and hit soft earth. A narrow, low passageway lay in front of him and he walked the considerable length of it quickly and climbed the two-hundred-something stone steps at the end. Careful to remain silent, he opened the trapdoor at the top and crept into the cellar of Honeydukes candy store in the nearby village of Hogsmeade.  
After sneaking out of Honeydukes, Remus found himself on the very long main road that led into, through, and out of Hogsmeade. Since he looked a little bit older than he was, Remus could pass for a villager, and he did his best to blend in as he made his way up the road to his destination: a lonely cemetery, about an eighth of a mile past the edge of town, set in the little valley between two shallow hills.  
Remus walked quickly through the wrought-iron gates that marked the entrance, and almost mechanically made his way through the rows of nearly identical tombstones, as he knew precisely where the grave he was looking for was, having visited it so many times over the past few years. When he reached it, he stopped and turned, still almost mechanically, and bent down to it.  
The gravestone read:  
  
John Lupin  
1931-1968  
Between honour and life, he chose honour.  
  
Beneath that, someone had magically scrawled: what a fucking idiot!  
With tears in his eyes, Remus bent down and muttered, "Evanesca," so that the writing disappeared from the face of the tombstone. Still, the outrage that had filled him when he first saw the words still smoldered inside of him. He took deep breaths to cool down his fury, and began to pay his father his respects.  
  
Remus' father had not had an easy life, and it did not come to an easy end. Remus' grandparents had been penniless Dutch wizards who crossed the sea to Britain to be with relatives when his father was six. Remus' father had remembered very little about that turbulent time, but he knew quite vividly that, for his parents at least, England proved to be by no means an easier place to get by than Holland. Until his father turned eight, they were in a perpetual state of near-starvation, and poverty. It was then that a young Auror named Albus Dumbledore met these people, and helped the Lupin family for the first, and far from the last time.  
From that point forward, John Lupin hero-worshipped Dumbledore. He went on to attend Hogwarts, and made an effort to earn entry to all Dumbledore's Transfiguration classes. Later, citing Dumbledore as his inspiration, he studied to become an Auror, an undertaking that took up his life until 1956, when a power-hungry man named Voldemort was on the rise. It was that year that John met Jessica, a woman who had become a vehement supporter of Voldemort's pure-blood claim to power, on an assignment with four other Aurors to infiltrate the organization and learn whether they were doing anything illegal. When two of the Aurors on the assignment were killed, the Ministry declared Voldemort's organization a threat, and Voldemort showed his true colors. He organized his more faithful followers into a new organization, the Death Eaters, ordered the rest killed, and began his reign of terror.  
Shocked, Jessica withdrew from the organization and went into hiding. It was John's assignment to escort her to a wizard settlement in Scotland where she would be safe. On that journey, they fell in love, and at the end of the year, they married.  
In 1960, Remus Lupin was born. John was very proud of Remus' very high intelligence, but would not live to see his son get bitten by or werewolf, or attend Hogwarts. For the first eight years of Remus' life, they were inseparable. John was Remus' best friend, confidant, and Quidditch buddy.  
A few days after Remus' eighth birthday, a few days prior to Christmas, a couple of old nemeses from Voldemort's regime ran into John on a train bound for London. They had the train stopped at a little village and escorted John to a seedy bar. They took him out back and, wands aside, beat him within an inch of his life. They then left him to die, first telling him--quite truthfully--that they planned to kill his family, raping his wife first. Desperate for a solution, John used the Explosive Curse, which killed the two Death Eaters instantly, and mortally wounded him. John died alone a few minutes later.  
When news reached Remus, he was so distraught that he withdrew for weeks, refusing to speak except to give monosyllabic answers to his mother's questions. One fateful night, he went for a walk in the woods to be alone, and ran into a seemingly insane wolf. He escaped with a minor bite, which neither he nor his mother understood was serious until the next full moon...  
  
And here he was.  
He reflected on this as he made his way back to Hogwarts and to the top of Gryffindor tower. He spent his customary time around the fire with James and Sirius, (Peter was in Hufflepuff house) but he was preoccupied, and they were bound to notice. When they asked him about it, he said he was merely very tired and went up to his room, where he descended into fitful sleep. 


	2. Transformations

A/N: Augh, stupid me! Even though this takes place in the middle of the school year, in the first chapter I put down their discussion that, in OotP, takes place after their O.W.L.s, at the end of the year. Please forgive the discrepancies. A/N: Professor Trelawney tells me I'm going to cut back on the language a little bit from here at least until Chapter Five. Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish I did, I don't own any of the characters in this story except Carol, Dolph (the name Dolph belongs to Matt Groening) and Remus' family. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters in their entireties.  
  
Two  
Transformations  
  
ONE MONTH LATER  
  
"Remus, wake up, we're going to be late for Potions!"  
Remus slowly opened his eyes and they adjusted to the light filling the Gryffindor dormitory. Sirius was bent over his bed, wearing an expression of mild concern. "Come on!"  
"Hmm...yeah...comin'," said Remus groggily as he swung his legs around to the side of his four-poster. He was still wearing his daytime robes, having collapsed onto his bed last night after spending half the night scrawling Professor Halberg's homework. The assignment was insanely complex, just like all of Halberg's essays.  
Halberg was the Potions professor, and he was hideously strict. He subtracted enormous amounts of points at a whim and handed out detentions like candy. Since he was not the head of any house, he showed no favoritism.  
When Sirius and Remus showed up three minutes late for class, he subtracted fifteen house points each (so late in the race, too, Remus thought disappointedly) and yelled at them to take their seats. That class was one of their most difficult, concocting Babbling Beverage under Halberg's watchful eye, ready to give failing grades to anyone who screwed up in the slightest.  
It turned out that Remus added too much essence of murtlap, and received a 'P' (for Poor) on the assignment, the second worst grade. When they were finally dismissed, James, Sirius, and Remus joined together in bashing Halberg with glee.  
"Babbling Beverage? Come on, when the hell are we going to need that!" Sirius said.  
"The slimy git sounds like he's hooked on Babbling Beverage, with all his bullshit about 'valuable skills that you will treasure in your adult life.'" James remarked, and the three of them laughed hysterically, until they met up with Peter with a group of his fellow Hufflepuffs just finished with Herbology. Peter was wearing an extremely severe frown, and they all asked what was wrong.  
"We get our midterm results in Herbology today," said Peter. "I got an 'A.'"  
"Well, that's not so bad, is it?" Sirius said quickly. "'A' is for acceptable."  
"I've gotten an awful lot of 'A's this year, and nothing higher!" Peter said in a panicky tone. "My parents will bloody kill me!" No one responded to this immediately because of its severity; to Peter, even 'bloody' was an extremely strong word.  
"You'll be all right, I think," said Remus with a reassuring smile. "We always get high marks in Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts, and those results haven't come back yet."  
Peter opened his mouth to say something, and James immediately cut in: "You'll be alright. Don't worry about it. By the way, it's your time of the month tonight, Remus."  
It took awhile for everyone except Remus to stop their laughter from this remark.  
"Yeah," said Sirius with a hint of a grin. "Time for our little monthly adventure."  
Remus' smile had disappeared. He had been trying not to think about the full moon that night and the unbearable transformation waiting for him again...  
"We should be ready a little earlier this time, I think," said Sirius. "We almost lost him last time. Don't you think, Remus?"  
"Yeah," said Remus distractedly. Fixed on changing the subject, he followed that up with. "So, what class have we got this afternoon again?"  
  
The four of them were about to head out for the night with James in the lead when, remarking over his shoulder to the other three, James slammed into someone in the entrance hall, and their books flew everywhere.  
"Watch where you're going, Potter!" yelled a deep, throaty voice. It was Andrew Dolph, a Slytherin in their year. No one had ever liked Dolph, but he didn't receive the kind of abuse Snape did, perhaps because he not only looked less greasy, but he could take care of himself much better than Snape. He was almost as good a Quidditch player as James was, actually.  
"Aww, shut it, Dolph," James said casually as he reorganized Dolph's books with a flick of his wand. "There ya go. Don't go yelling at me again, or I'll have to hex you."  
"Where are you all going at this hour of night?" Dolph asked.  
"Keep your nose in your own business," Sirius said sharply.  
Dolph shrugged. "Okay, man, only you look awfully suspicious. Someone'll think you're up to something, huh?" With a devilish grin, he disappeared into the corridor to the dungeons.  
"Slimy asshole," said Sirius.  
"Come on, almost sunset, come on, come on, come on!" said Peter urgently. Privately, Remus agreed with him, but kept his mouth shut because, true to form, James said something along the lines of "Jesus, don't wet yourself, Peter!" and he turned an incredible shade of magenta.  
The four of them disappeared from the entrance hall with the sun setting in front of them.  
When they had gone, a solitary figure cautiously crept in the direction they had left in. It was Dolph.  
  
The four prepared for that evening's exploits the same way they prepared every month. First they headed for the Whomping Willow, the enormous tree planted in front of the school that could and nearly always would swing its branches at intruders. Peter would change into a rat and slip in between the branches to press the knot in the tree's gnarled roots that would temporarily freeze the branches. Then Sirius and James, in dog and stag forms, would escort the still-human Remus into the tunnel at the base of the tree.  
The tunnel led directly to an abandoned shack in Hogsmeade. Remus was safe and isolated there, and James and Sirius could tend to him without fear of a bystander getting bitten.  
Peter scurried into the room just as the moon rose over the horizon. The transformation began, and the grim spectacle that it carried with it was about to unfold.  
  
Dolph followed Remus through the tunnel beneath the Whomping Willow without an idea where James and Sirius went--after all, no fifth-year could possibly master a transformation spell complex enough to replace them with the dog and stag he had seen escorting Remus. He removed his wand from his pocket and muttered, "Lumos." The tip of the wand began to glow, illuminating the tunnel. It was almost at an end.  
He heard snarling at the other end. The dog? Perhaps it had attacked Lupin! He crept ever so slowly and cautiously to the other end. When he reached the end, he couldn't see what was going on, so he scampered into the shadows and began to watch intently.  
  
Remus was never exactly sure about the science of a werewolf transformation, but he knew this: it was incredibly painful. The skeletal structure of a wolf's was very different than that of a human, and Remus felt a sensation almost as if the bones were liquefying in their places and taking new shapes. The new shapes of the bones almost stretched the skin to the breaking point as it changed into a wolf's hide. Remus felt sharp prickling sensations all over as brand new hairs sprouted all over his body and matured in an instant. His robes were frayed and torn by the writhing shape of the new animal. His gums were stretched to accommodate canine fangs before they transformed, too; when he screamed, a noise halfway between a yell and a coyote's howl came out. The human fingernails pressed inward horribly on the wolf's skin before they changed into the terrifying claws. When it finished, the resulting monster often had no energy but to lie on the ground, ignoring its companions until it could summon the strength to fight.  
Such was not the case this time, though. The wolf immediately leapt to its paws and snarled at the dog and stag. Having a sense of pattern recognition, it knew the rat was there, but it deemed it inconsequential in comparison to the larger prey.  
So the fight began. The werewolf charged, teeth bared; the dog stepped aside and the wolf's momentum carried it into the wall. Overwhelmed by the pain of running into the wall, Remus tried to communicate to the wolf, don't let it do that again, it's a trick, see?  
The wolf's mind gave what Remus recognized as an affirmative, more or less, and began again.  
  
Dolph surveyed this with a mixture of terror and glee; he was scared he'd be spotted, but he had found out the mystery of Lupin's regular disappearances, and they'd had the most wonderfully shocking solution: the bastard was a werewolf! A werewolf of all things! Dolph figured they hadn't had a half-breed at Hogwarts in a long long while. His intense hatred of the foursome that called themselves the Marauders intensified tenfold. They'd allowed a half-breed into their ranks! Repulsive...  
Dolph watched as the wolf was knocked across the room kitty-corner to him and as the stag and the dog (Potter and Black, he was sure of it) both turned to regard it, Dolph saw his chance. He sprinted back into the tunnel and never looked back.  
He reached the other side quickly, but he'd forgotten the Whomping Willow: when he emerged, one of its branches nearly missed braining him and hit the ground a few inches behind him, and a second branch cleared the top of his head by less than an inch. He dove to the side and rolled while three more branches swung about him like demented arms. He got to his feet and sprinted out of the willow's range, and one final swing came so close to his back that he could feel his robes blown by the resulting wind.  
When he reached relative safety, Dolph considered his situation. He was outside the castle in the middle of the night, and he knew the doors were enchanted so that teachers would know whether students went in or out. He figure his best bet would be to wait until the doors opened for the morning, then sneak in during breakfast. Yes, that's what he would do.  
Immediately his thoughts went back to the events at the end of the tunnel. It was obvious Lupin was a werewolf; he'd seen the transformation. But what about Potter and Black? Were there such things as were-dogs and were-stags? He didn't think so. Maybe they were Animagi--no, Potter and Black were obviously very talented wizards but NO under-age wizard was that good. Maybe the animals weren't Potter and Black after all...  
Dolph's only other dilemma was what to do with this information. Did he spread it around immediately, or blackmail Lupin? Did the staff know he was a werewolf? Maybe he should go to Dumbledore...he didn't know him that well, but the new headmaster would probably be delighted to get his hands on this information.  
His head filled with these thoughts, Dolph crept into the castle's shadow, waiting eagerly for the dawn.  
  
When Sirius and James had it cornered, the wolf's eyes seemed to go elsewhere for a moment. Then it leapt--not at either of them but between them, launching itself at the opening that lead to the Whomping Willow and the Hogwarts grounds. Caught off guard, Sirius only just managed to tackle it before it escaped to someplace where it could do much more damage.  
Both of them were puzzled by this strange behavior, and both of them knew quite well that werewolves were more of a danger to humans than to other creatures. Had there been a person in here? The implications of that were terrifying...  
  
When dawn broke, all five of those who had been on the grounds that night got into the castle safely.  
James and Sirius told Peter and Remus about the possibility of having been spied on. Not much worried James, but this appeared to affect him quite deeply.  
"The wolf in me definitely sensed something," Remus told them. "I'm not sure what, but it sensed something."  
"Do you think that means--" Peter started. He seemed the most deeply bothered of all, which was usually the case.  
"I don't know what it means," Remus told him. "But it's worrisome, whatever it is. I suppose if anyone knows, we'll find out soon enough." He said this last sentence with a sort of grimace on his face.  
"I've been thinking of talking to Carol about it," Remus said with a nod towards the Ravenclaw table. "Do you think that's a good idea?"  
"Depends, mate," Sirius told him. "I know you'd trust Carol as a confidant, but that's a hell of a secret to keep."  
"Think it's a bad idea," James said. "We should keep this between the four of us."  
"Yeah," said Peter. "We don't know who we can trust."  
"I'd trust Carol with my life, Peter," Remus said with a silencing look.  
"I still don't like it," James told him. "But I guess it's your choice."  
"I'll talk with her after breakfast," Remus said. "I suppose I'll have to decide over the course of the conversation."  
As the hall emptied, Remus walked over to the Ravenclaw table and found Carol chattering away with Lily. "Hi, Carol, Lily," he said brightly. After checking to see if James was accompanying him, Lily said "Hi, Remus," politely. For all her evident hatred of James Potter, the only thing that Lily really had against Remus was his association with James.  
Carol evidently could tell from Remus' expression that he wanted to talk privately, because she told Lily that she'd see her in Transfiguration and ended her conversation with Lily.  
"What's the matter?" she said immediately. Was it that obvious he was upset?  
Remus debated with himself for a moment over this. Did he really want to tell her? He definitely considered her trustworthy...but Carol pretty much shared everything with Lily, and did he want Lily knowing? Would she keep it from Lily if he asked her to?  
"Remus?" she said. "Remus, what's wrong?"  
You're going to tell her, he thought to himself. You're going to tell her right now, just swallow your pride and your misgivings and say it. But he couldn't bring himself to say it. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.  
"Remus? Remus??" she said with a hint of panic.  
"It's nothing," he heard himself say. Dammit. "Sorry to worry you."  
You bloody coward, he told himself. You couldn't tell this girl, who you trust as much as James or Sirius or Peter, because you have too much pride, or you're too afraid, or both...  
"Are you sure?" she asked skeptically.  
"Yeah, I'm sure," he said. "C'mon, we're going to be late for Charms."  
  
Laying awake in his four-poster that night, Remus cursed himself for not telling Carol while he had the chance. He made a pact with himself that he would have to take her someplace outside the castle, maybe someplace in Hogsmeade, and give her the same talk he gave the other three such a long while ago.  
He lay awake for awhile and he heard the soft pitter-patter of rain on the window. Perfect, he thought to himself. More grief. He listened to the quickening rhythm of the rain and let it lull him to sleep. 


	3. Confrontations

A/N: Sorry it's taken so long in coming, I've had a lot to do! But now it's summer, so I figure on having the last few chapters done rather quickly. Enjoy! Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish I did, I don't own any of the characters in this story except Carol, Dolph (the name Dolph belongs to Matt Groening) and Remus' family. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters in their entireties.  
  
Three  
Confrontations  
  
Dolph decided the next day to confront Lupin with his discovery, and so that evening he found himself on the steps to Gryffindor Tower, trying to get there before Lupin decided to turn in for the evening. He caught up with Potter, Black, and Lupin just before they climbed through the portrait- hole to the common room.  
"Hey, could I talk to Lupin alone for a moment?" Dolph asked loudly.  
"What do you want with him?" asked Potter immediately.  
"I only want to talk with him about a matter of...mutual interest," replied Dolph coolly.  
"I don't really think there are--"  
"It's all right, James," Remus cut in. "I'll go with him."  
Excellent, Dolph thought, I'd figured he might be a little resistant.  
"Don't try anything, Dolph," Black said before disappearing into the portrait hole.  
Dolph quickly led Remus into a shadowy corner where they wouldn't be seen.  
"I know," Dolph said immediately.  
Remus froze up immediately and really hoped that Dolph couldn't tell. Does he know? Could he know? Remus thought to himself. No. He couldn't. He must be either talking about something else. Or bluffing? "What do you know?" Remus said in the least worried tone he could manage.  
"Don't play dumb with me, Lupin," Dolph said.  
"I really don't know what you're talking about."  
"Maybe I can jump-start your memory," Dolph said in a quite malicious manner. "Maybe I should tell somebody about your little ailment and see what happens."  
Dolph then suddenly jumped in front of a group of first-year girls and said, "Hello, little girls! Do you want to hear something interesting?"  
Remus bit his lip. He was about to find out whether Dolph was bluffing or not.  
"Do you know that fifth-year Lupin boy?" Dolph was saying. They nodded their heads one by one. "Well," he continued in a kind tone, "I bet you didn't know that he's a--"  
In an instant, Remus had his wand aimed at Dolph. "Silencio," he muttered.  
Remus could see Dolph's lips making the motions to say "werewolf" but no sound came out. The girls giggled a little and made their way into the common room quickly.  
"Accio," said Remus and Dolph skidded across the hallway into Remus' half-hidden position. "Finite Incantatem," he added, ending the Silencing Spell on Dolph.  
Dolph grinned a malicious, toothy grin. "I told you."  
"So you know I'm a werewolf," said Remus. "What do you plan to do with this information?"  
"Oh, I considered several people I could tell. After all, I am not the kind to keep his mouth shut. I thought perhaps the Headmaster--" Thank God he already knows, thought Remus-- "or perhaps a teacher, or perhaps your friends Potter and Pettigrew and Black. But I eventually came to a decision...your girlfriend."  
Remus gulped, and Dolph noticed, his grin widening.  
"And what shall I have to do to keep your mouth shut?"  
"I could demand money," said Dolph. "A few Galleons a week could make me forget. But, of course, it's obvious from the state of your robes that you probably don't have a Galleon to your name, do you, werewolf?  
"I've decided to tell. I've decided that no matter what you do, I'll tell everything."  
Dolph got right in Remus' face. "Lupin, there are very few things in this world I hate more than a goddamned, filthy half-breed. You are lower than an animal. You are a full-fledged monster." Remus found himself at a total loss for words. "I won't just tell your girlfriend, Lupin. I'll tell everybody. I am not alone in my opinion. You'll never practice magic in Britain again. You'll be lucky to survive."  
"How did you find out?" Remus managed.  
"Oh, I have my sources," Dolph answered. "Don't believe that I'm dumb enough to tell you though. Good night, Lupin. Sweet dreams."  
Dolph disappeared down the stairs, leaving Remus to his perturbed thoughts.  
  
Remus slept little that night. When he did, he descended into a fitful sleep, where he dreamt of publicly ridiculed and spat on. Dolph was always at the epicentre, wand raised high and ready to emit a fatal blast of green light, shouting maniacally, "burn in Hell, half-breed bastard!!"  
When Remus awoke from a particularly disturbing nightmare, plastered to the sheets by sweat, he was forced to wonder what he was going to do about Dolph. He couldn't let Dolph betray his secret to the student body. He would be hated, a man held up as a focus of hatred and ridicule for the rest of his days. But how could he shut Dolph up? He couldn't harm him, or he'd be expelled or worse. Dumbledore, he was sure, could break even the most powerful Silencing Spell. And Dolph was right: he didn't really have the money to bribe him.  
Of course, bribing him wouldn't really have much effect anyway, would it? Dolph had said, "no matter what you do, I'll tell everything."  
"I'm in deep shit," he said aloud.  
"What'd you say, Remus?" he heard Sirius say sleepily into the darkness.  
"Sirius?"  
"Yeah, what do you want?"  
"You know how Dolph wanted to talk to me?"  
"Yeah, I remember."  
"Well," Remus said slowly, "turns out he knows I'm a werewolf."  
This shook all thoughts of sleep from Sirius' mind. "What?! How did he find out?!"  
"I'm still trying to figure that out myself," responded Remus. "He may have followed us out last night."  
"We have to do something about him," said Sirius.  
"Don't I know it," Remus said, laying back on his pillow as rain once again began its rat-a-tat-tap on the windows. The rhythm was oddly soothing, and Remus descended into sleep once more.  
  
It was still raining when Remus woke up.  
Remus' head was still spinning from the previous night's encounter with Dolph, although now he wondered if Dolph really had the guts to make good on his threat to tell everybody, or anybody for that matter. He headed down to the Great Hall slowly.  
He had no clue what he would do if Dolph did tell. A few people might take sympathy, but Dolph was right in that there were enough bigots out there to ruin his life completely.  
When he reached the Hall and had his breakfast, he could feel Dolph's loathsome stare on him, but sensed no other attention, really. Apparently, Dolph hadn't found the right moment to expose his secret yet...  
Breakfast came to pass, and the Hall emptied slowly. Remus was about to stand up and discard his breakfast tray when he heard a soft voice say, "Remus?" He turned to see Carol standing over him. "We need to talk," she said shortly.  
Oh my God, Remus thought. Dolph must have told her already. "All right," he said. "Wingardium Leviosa!" That basic spell levitated the tray and he guided it to the bin with his wand. "What do you need to talk about, Carol?" he asked. He tried to make his tone as carefree as possible, but sensed that Carol noticed the recognition in his voice.  
"You've been hiding something from me, Remus," she said plainly, and Remus' heart skipped a beat. She knows.  
"What makes you say that, Carol?"  
"Don't you think I've known you long enough to be able to tell?" she said, and relief flooded Remus. If she had known for sure that he was a werewolf, she would have told him already by that point. No, I don't, Remus thought in response to her question. I've known you for almost five years, Carol, and this is the first you've suspected anything.  
"I'm really not hiding anything. Well, I never told you I got a P on the Potions test--"  
"Nothing so trivial, Remus. I've been practicing my Legilimency skills."  
"Legilimency?"  
"The art of mind-reading. I'm not good enough to detect anything specific, but I can read the deception coming from you, James, and Peter."  
"Deception?"  
"Deception," said Carol with the utmost conviction.  
"You need to practice Legilimency some more then Carol, because you've misread me."  
"I'm sure--"  
"How sure?"  
"Absolutely."  
"I thought you said you trusted me completely."  
"I did trust you once, Remus," she said, fighting back tears, "but Legilimency does not lie."  
"Really then? What do you see right now?"  
"I see...outrage, but still deception is behind it, controlling everything."  
She's right, thought Remus. It is controlling everything. It has become my life, hiding the fact that I'm a werewolf...my little secret.  
She had her wand raised at him now, tears streaming down her face. "Legilimens!" she said a bit loudly, and Remus could feel her presence entering into his mind. He thrust all the memories of his werewolf experiences and his encounter with Dolph to the back of his mind.  
She kept searching through his mind for anything suspicious, but after a minute or so she collapsed back onto the seat, exhausted. "I felt the deception there, Remus. What are you hiding from me?"  
"I'm not hiding anything!"  
"You can't lie to me like that, Remus!! I can sense it when you're lying!"  
"Take your mind-reading bullshit to hell, Carol!" Remus shouted, throwing all caution to the wind. "Just get out!"  
The tears were streaming down her face. "Please, Remus, tell me! It's only because I care--"  
"If you cared, you would just get your nose bloody out! Just get the hell away!!"  
With that, he stormed into the hallway, leaving Carol sitting exhausted in the Hall, crying into the hem of her robes.  
  
It took Remus a while to calm down. He walked on a circuit that took him around the grounds, just absorbing the spring day around him, until he could regain some bit of rational thinking.  
Why doesn't she just get out, Remus thought bitterly. I don't need to hear all this bloody idiocy.  
But she's absolutely right, another voice sounded in the back of his mind. I am hiding something, and I need to tell her.  
I can't tell her, he thought desperately. I can't. I'd be lucky if she were just to leave me. She'd probably tell everyone--  
James, Sirius, and Peter didn't leave me, the second voice said again. They became the most incredible friends they could have. Why shouldn't Carol do the same?  
Carol is not James or Sirius, he reasoned.  
Just try, the second voice said again, and its opinion took precedence in his mind. He began the walk back to the school, determined to tell Carol the truth.  
He was in the Charms corridor when he heard the scuffling of feet on the staircase behind him. An angry voice said, "Expelliarmus!" and something clattered to the ground. A quite familiar voice said, "You...get away...from...me...you lousy--"  
"What am I, Snivellus? What are you going to call me?" James' unmistakable voice said, and Remus took off at a run in the direction of the voices.  
"You are a lousy bastard, and a--  
"That's not very nice," said James. "Rictusempra!" Shouts of laughter filled the hallway: James had used a Tickling Hex.  
Remus caught up with James and Snape just as Snape was recovering from the Tickling Hex and dove for his wand. It was just the same as always: James hit him with a basic body bind-- "Petrificus Totalus!"--and Snape was totally helpless once more. James was raising his wand again to perform another nasty spell when Remus found himself gripping his own wand. He raised it and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!"  
James' eyes widened in shock as he dropped to the ground and Snape laughed a malicious laugh. "Lupin!" Snape said in surprise.  
Remus walked in front of James so that James could see him clearly and said, "Just stop it, James. Stop it. He doesn't deserve it, so you leave him alone." He turned to Snape. "You're lucky I was here, Snape. Now get out. You want him to leave you alone, you leave him alone." Snape only paused for a look of hatred at James before heading down the hallway.  
The spell began to wear off, and James got shakily to my feet. "Why?"  
"He didn't deserve it, James."  
"Yes, he did! He never passes up an opportunity to curse me! I--"  
"The only reason he curses you at every opportunity is because the first time you set eyes on him, you hexed him."  
"I..." James trailed off. "Really, Remus, you should keep out of our business."  
"James, I'm one of your best friends! It's my business too, and I think you should have nothing to do with Severus Snape."  
James was turning pink. "Whatever, Remus. See ya around."  
James stomped off in the direction of Gryffindor Tower. Remus sighed a little sigh and stared for a second into the pouring rain outside the window. Why did he have to be so difficult. Didn't he realize that all he was when he was tormenting Snape was a bully?  
He sighed again and took off in the direction James had left in. 


End file.
